January 23, 2008
There are so many reasons to forgive….and by forgive, I mean the kind of forgiveness that is radical, spiritual, and unapologetically universal. When we forgive this way, we do it for our own internal freedom. We do it because we crave Reality with a capital R, and Truth with a capital T. We forgive for the sake of all creation, including ourselves. We do it to heal our memories and to begin anew….to be born anew into this fresh and innocent moment.
My journey into forgiveness really began with my mother. She was an amazing, beautiful and talented woman. She was loving and kind and a good mother. And…she was very, very afraid and sad. So afraid and sad, in fact, that she did not want to be here on planet Earth. And after a while, when I was 23, she took her life. She said, “Enough.” and flew away to be with the angels.
At the time of her death, I was pregnant with my first child. It was such a shock that she killed herself, and even more so because I was 8 months pregnant….and single…and almost penniless. It was a time when I really needed my mother, yet her message in death was that life was not worth living.
How could I make sense of this? How could I go on with life, when my own mother told me that creation, and living, and even survival were just not worth it? Why couldn’t she stay to help me with my new mothering? And how could I cope with all the feelings that came up in me, including relief that her craziness, fear and sadness were gone?
I gave birth to my incredible daughter and lavished my love upon her. It took me eight years to open the emotional box into which I’d placed my grief, confusion, anger and disillusionment. I was blessed to be at a retreat called the Enlightenment Intensive, which is modeled on zen meditation practice done by monks in zen monasteries. I let myself crack open there, and I felt the tender emotions that I’d been afraid to feel before.
Maybe you’ve had the thought – “If I go into those memories and feelings, I’ll drop into a bottomless pit, and I’ll never, ever be able to crawl out again. I better not go there.”
I’ve had that thought, too. I know exactly how it feels to stand at the edge of the pit, peering with dread into the oblivion that seems so dark and scary and mysterious. So it took a bit of courage to allow myself to let go … and trust that somehow, I’d survive. I needed to fall, and I let myself take the plunge.
I didn’t really think of what I was doing as forgiveness at the time. I just wanted relief from all the pain I was feeling.
Another eight years went by….and then I discovered the work of Colin Tipping and Radical Forgiveness. At my first seminar, it was clear to me that there were more layers to peel away before I could truly be free.
Through Radical Forgiveness, I learned to find the “gift in the situation” and embrace my mother just as she was, just as she is. A divine, eternal being of Light. Just like me.
Her life and her death were just what I needed for my awakening. Her life and death pointed me toward the Divine, and especially into the lap of the Divine Mother. I discovered that the Holy Spirit, the Shekinah, will never leave me…even if my earthly mother needed to go into her next cycle. I could finally be at peace with all the events that happened, and even better, see how they served me in ways I needed.
Of course, what I just wrote is a really short version of the story. But you don’t need more details, and they aren’t important. What is important, and revolutionary, and evolutionary…is the bridge of forgiveness as it is taught in A Course In Miracles. The bridge is offered by the Holy Spirit to bring us – consciously – to the innocence and health that never left us. I left….or so I thought….then I walked the bridge and came home.
This coming home is why we forgive. The journey offers us depth, compassion and understanding of the human condition. It leads to the peace that passeth all understanding…available to every person at every moment. This is the mercy of the Divine, and the promise that was, is, and ever shall be kept for us.
I walk with you on the bridge of forgiveness, grateful for your company.
Filed under Forgiveness